Story Time: My First “I’m A Horrible Mom!” Moment ft. The Bulb Syringe

I am the second of 5 children, I have a million cousins, and a niece and nephew. I have basically been surrounded by small children my whole life. The basics of raising children are nothing new to me. Still, I am your typical new mom. I am annoyingly over-cautious. I Google every little thing. And I spend far too much time on WebMD. Yet, no matter how hard I tried to avoid making any mistakes at all…I failed. Big time. This is the story of the day I had my very first “I’m A Horrible Mom!” moment.

It was all because of a stupid bulb syringe!

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a huge germaphobe. I hate dirt or anything messy. I don’t share drinks or food with anyone, not even my family members! I’m easily grossed out, so I go out of my way to make sure everything I use is clean. Basically, I annoy even myself. This extreme cleanliness has, of course, flowed over to my mothering habits. I make sure Lily and everything she comes in contact with is as dirt and germ-free as possible. All of this makes what happened even more disturbing and surprising.

And downright scarring!

My poor little baby girl has always been a congested little one. We suspect a dairy allergy, so I try my best to eliminate it from my diet (goodbye cheese). Still, especially in the winter, we relied heavily on saline drops and a bulb syringe to keep her breathing as easily as possible. I literally used a bulb syringe multiple times a day. Not just in her nose, but to clear the mucus out of her throat as well. Which means I put it in her mouth.

IN HER MOUTH!!!

So one day, I’m about to suck some boogies out of her nose when I suddenly stop myself. What made me do this? I have no clue. And I think “Have I ever washed this out?” To which I answered myself with a big horrifying… “NO!” Holly crap. I have never washed this thing. Why have never washed this thing?! So I ran to the bathroom to wash it out.

What came next was the most horrifying moment of my life!

I suck up some water into the syringe and squirt it back out. Black. So much black. Black chunks were all I could see. Never-ending black. No matter how much I cleaned this thing the black never stopped coming out. So then I came to the startling realization that this whole bulb syringe was filled with mold! It must have been growing in here for a long time.

I stopped trying to clean it out and threw it straight into the trash!

I felt so disgusted. So disturbed. So horrified. And so very guilty. I felt like the worst mom ever! Why had I not been cleaning this thing out?! I had been putting this mold and bacteria-filled thing in my baby’s mouth. IN HER MOUTH! Oh, my goodness.

I was freaking out. Tears in my eyes.

I went into pure panic mode. So naturally, I went straight to Google. Turns out I was not alone. This had happened to many moms before me. And apparently Lily was in no immediate danger. And although that made me feel a little better, I still felt awful. I needed to make sure she was okay. So I immediately went online and ordered her some probiotics. I ordered one that said it killed mold toxins. Ya know, just to be on the safe side. As much as that moment made me feel terrible and I truly wish I could’ve avoided it, it taught me a great lesson in motherhood.

I am not a perfect mother, nor will I ever be.

This is probably just the first of many mistakes I will make throughout her life. The best thing I can do, and that all us mothers can do, is just to never stop trying. It’s the thought that counts! The important thing is that you’re doing your best. Not that everything you do is the best. Forgive yourself for making mistakes. And cut yourself some slack!

Perfection is an impossible standard.

And my goodness is it stressful. I think in motherhood (in my massive 7 months of experience) perfection means always having your children’s best interest at heart and doing your best. That’s all.

Anyway, the takeaway from this post should be.

1) You will make mistakes as a mother. Just do your best and that’s all that matters.

and 2) Throw away your bulb syringe immediately!